Dear Charlie Bear,
Last weekend your daddy and I left you and Lua with Grandma and went on a little trip. This was only the second time you'd slept away from us and that time it had only been for one night, twenty minutes away. This time, it was for two nights and we were an hours drive from home. I was a little apprehensive about how you would take this separation, especially considering you were still nursing about three times a day. But, to be honest, I just really needed a vacation.
I swear I never meant to be one of those mothers who leaves their children with someone for a week in order to wean them. In fact, if the thought
had crossed my mind I'd dismissed it with haste as I figured it would never work. Sure, you could survive three days without nursing when I was far away. But as soon as you saw me again, you would dive right down my shirt. Right?
Wrong. When we got home yesterday afternoon, this suprising reception awaited me: You were asleep for a few minutes after we arrived. Auntie Mara went to fetch you when you woke up, and she brought you out to the living room to see us. You looked stunned. Auntie set you on the floor and you just stood there, eyes wide as a deer, mouth slightly open. You looked as if you'd seen a ghost. Daddy opened his arms and cried "Come give me a hug, Charlie!" and after some time it must have finally sunk in, because you did. A huge grin spread accross your face and you threw yourself into Daddy's arms. I couldn't wait to steal you away, figuring that when I got you in my lap you would promptly flip over into nursing position and I could empty out my massively engorged and immensely painful breasts. Instead, you hugged my neck.
You hugged me for at least twenty minutes, with your warm little head nestled under my chin. If I moved my cheek away from yours you would quickly pull it back with your pudgy little hand. It was one of the sweetest things I can ever remember.
And you didn't nurse. Not all the rest of the day, not even at night before you went to sleep. You didn't try, and I didn't try. Amazing! This is what I wanted, isn't it? I think it was, I mean is...I guess I'm having a little trouble adjusting.
When you were born, you were a part of me. Your tiny toes were my toes, your hungry mouth was my mouth, your tummy, your bum, your great big eyes: all mine. Everything you did was my accomplishment. I knew this was not to last forever. Your sister is her own person already, and she is only three. But for some reason she is different. She is the first child, she is so sharp, so clever, so independent. Also, she is a girl, and she will always be my daughter.
Daughters cannot ever really leave their mothers. At least not in my family. Daughters are tied by invisible strings to their mothers. Braids really, made up of one part guilt, one part loyalty and one part biology. Boys are not bound by these braids. Boys may pick them up occasionally. They may twirl one around in their hands, they might even tie one to their wrist for a while. But they can always let them go again.
You let go of your first tie to me yesterday. As much as I want to have my body back as sovereign ground, it still comes as a shock that you did this without my consent. But how can I be sad when you still hug me like that, like you're coming home?
I love you forever
Mama
